The Empress

Empress. Been working on a picture called the empress these past few weeks. Been struggling with it, always having to leave to reasses my progress. Mostly being unhappy with the quality. Relearning old techniques forgotten and learning to maximize my tools, and the frustration of how details can make me lose sight of the Bigger Picture.

Old wounds. A few years ago, when i started RPG barkada, I was idealistic and hoped for alot. Despite my short stint as the Vice Chairman External, I believed I could carry on. Learning the mistakes of the previous group and my experience in leadership roles, I believed I would make the difference. That I knew what was at stake and knew what to sacrifice is worth making.

Fast forward to today, I was very wrong and very sorry for a lot of things that happened. I lost a very good friend through my bull headed-ness and have seen alot of things in myself I am not proud of and really wish i could get past. Ideals for something as trivial as Games really do get in the way of the big picture.

Leaving for the states. I don't want to go. I really don't want to even consider it. Its like a certain and terrible dream. I was in a bad place going there. I could remember a lot of what was going in my mind when certain decisions had to be made and when I lost my better judgement.

It was in the states where I had a terrible argument with one of my best friends and it was never quite the same. It was also a time where I had to choose between family and personal happiness. It wasn't a good time for my spouse as well.

I dread whats comming and by my own hand, I have nothing I can do about it. When i look at the cards I'm dealt with, I see the odd but unusual positives and negatives. My greatest blessing is my wife, second is my family, and third people I care about who are still around. My negatives are my state; diseased, jobless and starting from scratch.

I don't want to get into trouble, I don't want to go. I don't want to live in fear of it. But i don't make alot of money, I don't make enough to stop my folks from worrying, or my spouse's folks. Nothing to change my stars.

After my blessings, my only comfort is that I tried. There were many battles that didn't seem like I'd win, but I tried anyway. Its not that I cast it to the wind, as filipinos often do, but I knew it was winnable except for my own attention and lack of it.

The year is cycling, half the year I'm obsessed about mahadlika and the other half something else. Its been too much exposure and not enough work done about it. Still, I'm getting there. Slowly, too slowly to see anything on the horizon.

Bad habits. Dreaming is a terrible habit for me. My dreams are vivid and capture my curiosity, I can't help but want to finish the dream. I should learn to work more and dream less. I shouldn't be a slave to dreams.

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