My Dissenting Inner Voices

Chaos in my mind. My mind is made of many voices and minds. These minds rarely cooperate unless for things or actions that are of particular interest to them. If my mind was a squad of 10 there is only one or two who can be relied on and the rest are distracted by their own affairs. In few instances they are cohesive and cooperative. When up to about half is mustered and cooperative I am capable and confident. In the rare instances they are all present, I can predict what happens next and act appropriately and in time (like in airsoft). But the rest of the time 9-8 out of 10 are distracted.

My Squad, if I visualize them, is made up of Doubt, Regrets, Guilt, Duty, Empathy, Introspection, Playfulness, Pragmatism, Curiosity, and Pride. These guys have different volumes and issues with one another.

Introspection is the gossip of the group, always getting into the business of everyone. Playfulness gets everyone along, but only to have fun. In rare instances Playfulness gets Pragmatism and Duty to play along and I get shit done.

Regret always reminds everyone how terrible the team is, he feeds Guilt and Doubt anxiety that paralyzes so many of the group. When I wake up Regret is the loudest and is in control. Hes also the cynic of the group and puts everything in an alien perspective. As I gain agency in the day, Regret weakens and becomes quiet.

Pride sees himself as the sense of Honor of the group, a confusion that Introspection, Regret and Doubt would try to correct. He is a small voice because of this, and sometimes these same guys who can't help but talk down to him need him to perform amazing feats. Memories of those feats are recorded and Pride would remind all the others what we are capable of.

Empathy would like to think he's the heart of the group but Pragmatism and Introspection would contest. In a way Introspection serves as the glue of the group, if the heart meant the glue that keeps a group together. Without introspection all these guys would not be cooperating or even caring about whats happening to the other guys.

These days its Introspection and Playfulness who try to get the squad doing important work. Introspection talks to everyone while Playfulness looks for something to do. Pragmatism joins up to direct playfulness and when there is momentum Duty joins in and pulls Pride along. Curiosity, Regret, Empathy, and Guilt get ignored and turn quiet when something worthwhile gets going.

When working with a team, Guilt and Empathy join in. Empathy works with Introspection communicating what the other team wants, while Guilt reminds Duty how much is owed in such relationships. Curiosity is an active audience making side comments at what is happening and giving everyone something to laugh about. In true Zen mode, Regret anticipates what is needed from the past experience and is able to serve useful and actionable help and aid.

The team is dysfunctional and even when working in perfect harmony sacrifices some of their agency, and cannot sustain that loss for long. They all want to blab and think they are in charge. They all blab to Introspection, while Introspection talks to Empathy to check if some of what they tell him makes sense in the other people Empathy senses. In a sense Introspection is the unlikely leader because he has them in common and likes to bother with them.

Pride can be argumentative and thinks he knows best. Hes the guy who starts shooting his mouth off, but when he does Doubt and Regret is there to control him. Sometimes the guys are late, and sometimes they are in time to get him under control. Pride feels weird when the two guys are not there, and feels weird talking without anyone to argue with.