Habits Just got worse.

habits that just get worse. Age and Predictability. I know where certain things are going, not with certainty but the signs are definitely there. I know I'm gonna be a hard ass frugal old person who would grumble about the wisdom of a given course of action when. But I'm ok with that. Being a hard ass is not so bad, being a dick isn't so bad either, but being a useless and a slob is.

I learned the lessons from the mistakes of my elders. The stories of how an uncle got overconfident and careless, how another uncle can't see anything beyond his own needs, how a marriage failed, and how one may appear ok is but a hollow mess.

Everytime i here such a tale, it makes me think twice about my own decisions and my own path. I admit a lot of things, even my backstabbing side. There is no excuse with that, I know better, but I still do it.

but in this circumstance I don't regret it. I can't win an argument, I'm not witty and fast thinking to bring up faults or mistakes in the others judgment. I mediate enough to know my own flaws. BUT, i know wrong when I see it. It takes one to know one.

I knew this would happen. I knew it the moment i was aware about how the past keep repeating itself. How I look at my elders and how their relationships deteriorated. We all grow up and pursue our own happiness... and we get in each others way.

I don't regret burning my bridges. Its not a matter of me being right or a grudge, but because we became who we really are: different people.

We move on. Everything moves on. Some people could use that advice now more than ever. We move on, because we all have our believes and we cannot compromise it. Even when it hits us in the face that we're wrong, we do what we believe in and keep doing it despite the evidence of the contrary.

In all arguments all over the world, the ability to self correct is through bitter memories and harsh experience.

It makes me think twice about having my own kid. Looking at my family. I think about it alot and it bothers me. What a genetic mistake that should be wiped clean and forgotten. So many wrongs and so many wrong reasons. So many "too-late's" and so many regrets.

Even now mistakes are still being made and things never change. We won't change, we don't want to.

I know It will be painful for me and for those I really care about. Change is painful, not because we leave the safety of permanence but because our beliefs fail us.

I'm over this shit, i just want to go home and stay with my wife, get rid of this green card and work to make ends meet. I know i'm lucky and I'll try to enjoy every moment of it, they can fuck off, I'm not hurting anyone and this is my life. They don't get to screw with my life. Fuck them and their money.

A weird dream. Just last night I dreamed I ate worm eggs and stale vegetables. I woke up to the feeling of continuously vomiting the worms, over and over again. I felt sureal, one second i was puking, the next my eyes open and I'm on the bed vaguely remembering I'm here in jersey.
It felt like my gut clamping up, heaving to push stuff out and my throat muscles relaxes to open as wide as it could. The texture of small pea shaped eggs filling my mouth, and getting caught caught between my tongue, my gums and my cheeks, felt real.

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